My daughter needs to take a subcutaneous injection every day. She does it perfectly well on her own, and, from time to time, fear arises, and she’s unable to do it anymore. As she says: “I’m always afraid, but sometimes anxiety gets stronger, and I cannot handle it.”
I’m always amazed by children’s precision and awareness. As adults, we often forget that anxiety is still with us. Most of us don’t even notice the tensions in our bodies anymore. Until, one day, it’s too much, and… we cannot handle it anymore 🙂
Anxiety is so unpleasant that our usual reaction is to get rid of it as soon as possible. Often before we even realize what’s going on with us.
What makes it even more difficult is that “being afraid is a sign of weakness in our society. We should get rid of it, fight it, overcome it and, preferably, not feel it anymore. However, as my eight years old daughter noticed, worry is always with us. It lies at the core of our humanity and reminds us of the fragility of our life.
Trying to suppress anxiety never worked for me. On the contrary, whenever I was doing something to make it disappear, it got more powerful. I’m a scientist, so I set on a journey to understand the very nature of worry. Here’s what I’ve found that helped me flourish with anxiety:
1.
Anxiety makes us feel small and separated. We lose the sense of connection with who we love and with love itself. We forget about our inner goodness and our limitless nature. All this makes us experience anxiety as something immensely big and robust. No wonder we feel overwhelmed.
I’ve found the metaphor of the ocean very efficient in reversing this image. I’m the ocean, and anxiety is one of the waves on the sea. The ocean has no power over the waves. The very nature of the waves is to pass away. The ocean feels the waves, but they cannot change its most profound nature, which is wast, spacious, and caring. There is space in us to hold every emotion we experience.
2.
Anxiety is generated by a part of us who wants to protect us. Imagine a child trying to warn you about a possible danger you don’t see. It feels responsible for your safety that is directly linked to its own survival. The more you ignore it, the louder it shouts.
A gentle reminder about the caring nature of fear usually softens my heart, and I’m more willing to listen. Sometimes, I ask the part of me that is afraid: what do you need? How do you want me to be with you? To the biggest surprise of my internal skeptic, I receive the answers.
3.
Anxiety is an inside-out experience. Its role is to show us in which direction goes our thoughts at the moment. The further we follow this train of thoughts, the stronger the experience of fear will become. Do we want to go there?
When I want to “change the train” in a kind way, I notice my fearful thoughts with the awareness that they are imagined in our head and not coming from the real future.
Despite its rawness, anxiety is not plotting against us. It’s no a threat, nor an enemy. It’s just a piece of information. Killing the messenger won’t help us feel happier and accomplish our goals.
When I’m busy fighting in my head for a better future, I don’t work on my dreams. All I create is confusion and anxiety.
A deep understanding of the nature of anxiety helps me to be with it. Not running away when it comes, and not trying to get rid of it once it’s here. Just being with it for as long as I can, and get to know it a little better each time. The better we know each other, the easier it is to understand and help each other.
Just for today, reflect on how you would need to be with your anxiety to make it easy for the two of you to become friends?
with Love,
Michal